August 17, 2015
Secrets to Thawing a Teen's Cold Shoulder (Part 2 of 2)
By Dr. Michele Borba
MicheleBorba.com

If you've been getting the cold shoulder lately from your teen, here are the final two steps to help you thaw things out a bit - or discover if that attitude could be something more...  (Here's Part 1 of this article if you missed it.)

Step 3. Use Relationship Rebuilders
Your next step is to find new ways to respond to your teen that will not only thaw his should but rebuild your relationship. Here are a few that teens tell me they appreciate. The key is to find what works with your teen. Use an attitude of "patient persistence" (translation: "Don't give up!")

• Use the 80% Positive - 20% Negative Rule:.Use the "if you can't say anything nice, don't say it" (or bite your tongue) policy. The ideal to strive for is least 80% positive and 20% negative. So slowly stretch your time together without a cold shoulder or blow up. Better to be short and positive to thaw out a relationship.


• Say "I'm Sorry". Apologize when you are wrong and sincerely convey that you hope you never have "another last night." Those two words are a lot more powerful to a teen than you realize.


• Give Kudos. Find anything your teen is doing that deserves recognition. (It's a great way to rebuild that relationship!)


• Hope for the Truth. Find some truth in what your teen is saying-even if it seems unreasonable. You don't have to agree with what he says. But strive to find one part where he's right. "Can't say I agree, but you sure are learning some great debating principles."


• His Time + Your Time = The Right Time. Find anytime and anyway to connect. Identify the time your teen is most receptive, then use that as the optimal time to approach your teen. Hint: Most teens are sleep deprived and actually on a different time zone than adults.One University of Minnesota study found that over half of teens studied reported feeling most awake after 3:00 pm. So adjust! They are generally most receptive-and more reflective-to talking to parents later in the evening-the exact opposite time of adults. If you want to connect, then plan to hang out later to catch your teen.


• Write Notes. If you can't get anywhere verbally then write notes. One mom and son used a journal to write comments back and forth (which helped reduce conflict and rebuild the relationship).

Step 4. Know When to Get Help
There are times when you've tried it all, but still no change. So when does a parent know it's time to get professional help? Here are my three rules:

• Use the TOO INDEX. Is the problem going on too long, with too many other people and spilling into too many other areas of your teen's life (not just at home but at school and with his friends). Too severe or too prolonged and always use your instinct. No one knows your teen better than yourself.


• Use the Three-Week Rule. If things don't improve despite your best efforts by three weeks or if things increase in intensity before three weeks and last every day for two weeks, then don't wait. Get help!


• Use your gut instinct. Come on! NOBODY knows your teen better than you. If you have that feeling deep down that something is wrong, then just pick up the phone and get help! Please!

When All Else Fails
One dad told me the relationship between he and his teen was so cold that communication was impossible. But the dad refused to give up. He decided if his son wouldn't talk to him, he'd write a note every night and leave it on his teen's pillow.  His goal, he told me, was to somehow convey to his son that he loved him no matter what and nothing would ever change his love. The dad kept his pledge. Weeks went by and he kept leaving those notes, but the teen never said a thing.

Then one day the dad was late to work because he couldn't find his belt. He remembered his son had borrowed it so he went into the teen's room searching.  He looked everywhere and had no luck. The last place he looked was under the son's bed and it was there he found a cigar box. Prepared for the worse (i.e. drugs), the dad opened it and was shocked. Every note he'd written his son was there in that box. The dad later learned from his son that he'd been the cause of the split between his dad and mom. Once he finally opened up, the dad understood the reason for his son's cold shoulder. All he had to do to thaw it, was tell him that he had nothing to do with the divorce - that was between he and his wife. As the dad told me, "I'm so glad I wrote those notes. You just never know with kids. So don't give up!"

I couldn't agree more.


Michele Borba, Ed.D., is a mom of three, a former teacher, and renowned educational consultant who has presented workshops to one million parents and teachers worldwide. Dr. Borba is the author of 12 Simple Secrets Real Moms Know: Getting Back To Basics and Raising Happy Kids. She is a frequent guest on Today, The Early Show, The View, and Fox & Friends. She is also the award-winning author of over 20 books including Parents Do Make a Difference, Don't Give Me That Attitude!, No More Misbehavin', and Nobody Likes Me, Everybody Hates Me. Dr. Borba is an advisory board member for Parents. For more strategies and tips visit MicheleBorba.com. Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com.


Posted by Staff at 12:18 PM