Parenting

By Dr. Michele Borba
MicheleBorba.com

Let's face it: teens really are a different species - and for a variety of reasons. Raging hormones, stress, sleep deprivation, growth spurts, self-consciousness and neurological wiring are just a few factors that make teens super sensitive, moody and irritable. So let's have a little empathy - they are stuck in the middle of childhood. They are still dependent, but have that surge to be independent. In fact, more physical changes are happening to their bodies than at any other developmental period. Research confirms that their brains are actually wired differently so we should expect them to be a bit "difficult" and a unique species.

It's also important to remember there are things besides a bad attitude that can explain a cold shoulder. That's why is crucial you know your teen so you can spot the difference between "normal" or something else more serious that may be triggering a cold shoulder. You know, the old "When should I really worry?" question that haunts us deeply. We also know that maintaining a strong relationship is crucial with our children - especially during those adolescent years. But oh how they can make things difficult sometimes!

If you've been getting the cold shoulder lately, here are four steps to help you thaw things out a bit - or discover if that attitude could be something more. Your task is to decide if you need to go through all four steps in sequence or skip ahead until you find the step that describes your issue with your teen. 

Step 1: Rule Out Likely Culprits
Your first step is to look beyond your teen's cold shoulder and rule out culprits that are not due to a poor relationship.

Here are a few top "cold shoulder causes"-so tune up ones you can. Doing so may make a major difference in your relationship with your child. (Hint: First step is to check your own attitude. Use the "Friend Test" Would you talk to your friend the way you talk to your child?)

• Stress. School, schedules, tests, worrying about future, college acceptances, and sleep deprivation.


• A bad habit you've allowed to continue. This "cold shoulder" attitude has been going on for quite some time. The real problem is a lack of respect and you engaging with a disrespectful teen.


• Hormonal changes, a growth spurt and adolescence.


• Peer pressure and the social scene. Girlfriends/boyfriends, fitting in, peer pressure.


• Substance abuse. Don't overlook drugs, alcohol, prescription drugs.


• Other. What's your best guess as to what's really going on with your teen? 

Step 2: Avoid Communication Blockers
There are a number of ways to improve a relationship with your teen, but your next step to is honestly watch how you respond to your kid. (Hint: make sure you're not giving your kid the cold shoulder, which can happen quite unintentionally.)

Here are a few communication blockers that are almost guaranteed to tune teens out - and off - that you should avoid:

• Talking too much or lecturing. Say as little as possible so your teen can say as much as possible (even if it's 15 seconds). Instead, wait. Stay a little longer. Allow your teen time to think and process.


• Sarcasm, put downs, and judgments. Teens are hypersensitive! Watch your body language. A smirk, tsk-tsk, rolling eyes, or frown shut down a teen, and pronto.


• Multi-tasking. Teens hate we multi-task because even though we are listening they don't think we're focusing on them. When your teen says anything, stop and focus on him.


• Intense eye contact. If your teen is super-sensitive, try talking side-by-side instead of front to front. Take advantage of talking while driving, watching television, or playing video games - all use side-by-side talking and are more comfortable for teens.


• Irritable voice tone. Interactions with teens are often like walking through a minefield. A teen's irritability can quickly turn into a yell and spiral to the parent. Keep your voice tone calm and lowered. Give permission to walk away if things get too tense.


• Too rushed. Don't be rushed when you're with a teen. Build in more time to your talks. Just in case the teen does open his mouth, you don't want to be rushed. Add time if you want to discuss something important. Irritability can cause tension - and you need time to defuse it. 

Next week: Step 3 - Relationship Rebuilders and Step 4 - When to Get Help


Michele Borba, Ed.D., is a mom of three, a former teacher, and renowned educational consultant who has presented workshops to one million parents and teachers worldwide. Dr. Borba is the author of 12 Simple Secrets Real Moms Know: Getting Back To Basics and Raising Happy Kids. She is a frequent guest on Today, The Early Show, The View, and Fox & Friends. She is also the award-winning author of over 20 books including Parents Do Make a Difference, Don't Give Me That Attitude!, No More Misbehavin', and Nobody Likes Me, Everybody Hates Me. Dr. Borba is an advisory board member for Parents. For more strategies and tips visit MicheleBorba.com. Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com.