Let’s talk about fighting, shall we?
It’s so easy for couples to fight without accomplishing anything. I get a lot of calls from spouses who say, “We’ve had the same fight over and over again.” How does that happen? Why do couples constantly put themselves through the same painful situation without changing anything?
It’s because they approach fights without being
solution-oriented. Instead, their orientation is
Me vs. You. I win, you lose. Nothing is resolved, and the fight repeats forever.
Losing makes the loser feel terrible. And in order to win, you have to squash the other person. Is that really how you want to treat your dearly beloved?!
So what’s the alternative? It comes down to this:
You both have to seek a solution – together. When you fight, you are enemies. When you fight as a Me vs. You, one person has to lose. But when you come up with a solution that will leave you both satisfied, you’ve solved the problem as a
We. And then you clink your wine glasses, and
that fight doesn’t have to happen again! Nobody catches flies with a hammer – you catch them with honey. If your intention is to resolve a conflict as a We, you’re not going to raise your voice. You’re not going to vent. You’re not going to exaggerate. Instead, you’ll talk out your problems. You’ll look for ways to satisfy both of you. Your tone of voice will be kind.
Fights don’t make you stronger. Solving problems together makes you stronger. In a Me vs. You fight, someone has to win and someone has to lose – every single time. And that’s not what you want in your marriage.
