Dr. Laura,
My parenting style has been influenced by several "jewels" that I have heard or learned over the years. Note that each of these are a principle, not a method. Methods can be helpful sometimes but in making daily parenting decisions there must be guiding principles. Here are a few of my jewels:
"Rules without relationship equals rebellion." - Josh McDowell. The reality is that when my children obey me because they fear punishment, their obedience is limited to the fear of getting caught. But, if they choose to obey me because they love me and care about our relationship because I demonstrate value in the relationship, they will choose good behavior most of the time even if I'm not around to catch them.
"Punish for willful disobedience, not childish irresponsibility." James Dobson. Accidentally spilled milk is childish irresponsibility and doesn't deserve punishment. It deserves a cup with a lid or to be moved to a safer place on the table. However, knocking your milk over at the dinner table because you were hitting your little brother after being asked to stop three times, is willful disobedience and warrants punishment. Fairness, consistency and justice in parenting goes a long way to earn the respect of children.
"You will not hit, hurt, insult, disdain or otherwise harm one of my children - even if you are one of my children." I have never, ever tolerated sibling bickering or rivalries. One time when my oldest was 5 years old, I tired of her constant bullying of her little sister. In a moment of peace and quiet, I asked her what she would like me to do to anyone who bullied her. She had many ideas for how I should defend her - including physical harm of the bully. I let her monologue for a few moments and then looked her square in the eye and said, "You have bullied one of my children. Your little sister is one of my children. Should I defend her against you in the ways you just listed?" We rarely had any sibling conflicts after that that weren't handled with love and respect.
"Discipline and Disciple are only different by 2 letters and there is a season for each." When kids are little they need to be disciplined. But, if I've done my job as a parent, there comes a transition where they begin to obey me as they want to please me because they value our relationship. And if that relationship is good and strong, my child will welcome my discipleship, or mentoring/training. This happened with my 3 oldest kids around the age of 14-15. And because we have modeled an authentic Christian principled lifestyle, our children grew greatly in their relationship with God about the same time and all came to a point when their obedience was all about pleasing their Heavenly Father. And that of course, pleased their parents.
"What's important to you is important to me." We work as a team and cheer each other on!!
We are 3 down and 1 to go and all of them bring us more joy than anything on earth!!
Kimberlee
