The best marriage advice I ever heard was from a therapist who I saw one time. I only had to see her once to know what to do. I was 26 and in a dilemma about marrying the man I was engaged to. In my heart, I knew the answer was no. We had been together 2.5 years and he was not the same person I initially fell in love with. He used to like my friends and family, then he stopped wanting to be with them. He stopped being thoughtful, he forgot birthdays and holidays, and he never wanted to have sex.
I hung on to the "Dave" I had first been attracted to, knowing he was capable of being that guy: loving, thoughtful, and affectionate. The therapist said, "So you have been together 2.5 years, how long was he 'nice Dave'?" When I thought about it, he was 'nice Dave' for about 6 months! She said, which do you think is his true personality, the one he had for the first 6 months or the past 2 years? WOW!
Another great pre-wedding advice I heard once: If you had children together, would you be happy if your child inherited ALL of Dave's personality traits? How he solves problems, how he deals with frustration, how he treats others. NO! There was actually nothing about Dave's personality by then that I would want to pass on to the next generation.
Looking back, I think I was in love with the idea of getting married. I gave him back his one carat diamond engagement ring and patiently waited for the right guy. He did not come along until I was 32, and honestly, I thought at first he was "too nice", but I somehow convinced myself that I deserved a nice guy and kept going on dates with him. Twenty years later, we are happily married. He is my best friend, my boyfriend, an amazing dad to our two kids, and I am so blessed to be married to such a wonderful guy. I do by the way, always put in to practice the tips from "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands". He really appreciates that you wrote that book. I give PCFH to every bride-to-be at her wedding shower.
Thank you for all you do Dr. Laura, I have been a loyal listener for many years.
Cindy
