Letters From Listeners

I am writing to share my unique perspective on stay-at-home motherhood. 

When my husband and I were newlyweds, and he was in the middle of medical school, and I was one semester away from completing a graduate degree, we found out we were expecting our first. My job as a nurse was our sole means of supporting ourselves, and though I cried every day as I left my tiny son, I headed back to work to make ends meet. After finishing my graduate degree, I was given increasing levels of responsibility at work. Dropping my now 2 children off at day care at 6 every morning and picking them up at 6 every evening, having a fast food dinner while answering the never-ending barrage of emails, and feeling annoyed with all of the seemingly insignificant requests of my children on the weekends became my norm. 

Though my husband had finished his training and could easily support our family, I considered my career to be important and meaningful to a large number of others. Motherhood was a small side job to what I considered my main role in life, my career. When I announced to my 75 employees I was unexpectedly expecting my third, I assured them I would return to work after a short maternity leave, and all would be well. I assumed my leadership was of such great importance to my employees, but never even considered my presence at home could also be of importance. During my pregnancy, I did the math of what my income compared to the day care expense for 3 children would be and realized I would be bringing home basically nothing after I paid the bills. At the same time, my oldest was diagnosed with an autism spectrum disorder, and suddenly it became apparent he needed ME. It was with some reluctance I gave up my professional life, but mathematically and practically I had to face the fact home was the right place for me. 

Originally I thought I was needed to chauffeur my son to various therapies, and that maybe we would eat at home a little more often instead of going through the drive-through every night. Little did I know how my value would grow. Yes, chauffeur, chef and laundry attendant top the list of daily tasks I perform, but my value is so much greater. My presence is shaping the foundation of exactly who my now 4 children will become. My son with autism, who previously needed intensive one-on-one help with every facet of life, is now a happy functioning child, who is academically successful in all subjects with just a few minor supports from his teacher and family at home. My second born is a natural leader who hones her skills by helping her older brother and younger siblings. I am available every time she needs me to shape the thoughts and ideas behind her multitude of abilities. My third and fourth born are now 3 and 1 and I have been home with them since day one. They are happy toddlers who think I am their world. We spend our days at library story time, taking slow bike rides, me on my bike, them in a trailer behind me on a local trail while chatting about the beauty of nature and playing on the floor at home. I see in these two humans a direct reflection of me, of my work, my efforts, my thoughts and my beliefs. Being hands on with their lives is so much more fulfilling than anything I ever did in my professional life. 

My marital life is different as well. Instead of being two individuals, busy with careers that shared a house, we are now a unit. My husband is the provider, who is free to excel professionally without the burden of 50% of the needs at home as well. I handle everything else that a busy family of 6 needs. My husband says he now sees a stay-at-home wife as a necessity, one that he can proudly provide for. He also acknowledges my role in accomplishing our mutual goals for the family is of greatest importance. When he gets home, I make a point of having my make-up on, hair presentable, and giving him a big kiss in front of the children. After the children are in bed, I have the energy for things that I used to be too tired for. It is a very happy way of life indeed. 

I can share first-hand for anyone who is on the fence about stay-at-home motherhood it is truly a wonderful occupation. My fears included things like: will my husband see me as an equal if I'm not involved in a very important professional role? Yes, in fact I would say my importance has been elevated from equal to hero status in his eyes as home is a much happier place for him. Don't my 75 employees need me more than a couple of human beings who can't even talk? No!!! Anyone can do my previous work job, but only I can shape my tiny children into the adults they are meant to be.  No one else can do that job with the same amount of love, patience and attention that I can. Will I be bored? Heavens no! Children change every day. Every day there is a new accomplishment to celebrate! 

A.