I've been married 14 years. It's fun! However, it hasn't always been. My husband is a general contractor and when the housing market crashed, that was the straw that broke his back! He went through depression, he was mean and grumpy and generally irritated with me and the kids all day, every day.
Dr. Laura, your advice on several situations gave me hope and ideas. Your perspective was a life saver. After fighting, crying, trying to get my feelings heard and criticizing him for being so negative, I stopped and realized that he wasn't okay and he needed me. I knew I was a good wife and mother, I needed to act like it without reassurance from him because he wasn't able to give it at the time.
I did my best to listen to him, not react, and love him even though he was grumpy and hopeless and negative all the time. One time he even said to me he wasn't sure what love is and whether or not he loved me. He would talk about how bad things were and how spoiled and entitled he thought the kids and I were. He didn't trust me and he seemed suspicious of everything I did. It was hard. It was hurtful, but I knew he was worried, sad and afraid of the future.
It was hard at times to be flirty, loving and his #1 fan when he was depressed, but the effort paid off and I didn't even realize how far we've come until recently. Five years after the housing crash, he said he trusts me and knows I love him. You have no idea what a huge thing that was. Not everyone will react the way he did in a hardship situation, but I was so glad I had you and my mom to cheer me on so I could be there for him, encourage him and love him. He is so cute and nice to me now, back to the man I married and I have come to love being his girlfriend.
If I had continued fighting for MY feelings to be heard, we would be divorced. That's not to say my feelings weren't important, it just confirms that taking care of your spouse's feelings first is always a winner. Instead, he hears my feelings all the time now and loves me deeply. I had to be patient, wait, and love him. I also had to realize his anger and negative feelings were really hurt and worry. I texted or told him in person everyday how "hot" he was, or how he was fun to be around, or how I can't wait to see him later that night, or simply "how is your day going?" It did wonders for him, but even more, it changed me into a better wife. It was worth it!! He puts me above any woman he comes across with compliments and admiration, and I know he secretly thinks I'm his whole world.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for all your advice and to-the-point comments. You really get it.
Karen
