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04/08/2013
My husband cheated on me after 10 years of marriage. I was busy with our young children and I wasn't quite getting it: He really, really needed to be intimate with me. He asked, he hinted for it, but I kept thinking: we will get around to it when I'm not tired.
He started acting odd and saying "I'm just not happy". After a few weeks of this, he blurted it out: "I'm cheating on you!"
The bottom fell out from under me. Everything I relied on as being always there, disappeared. For the next few weeks, I was riddled with anxiety. I could barely eat but tried to keep it together for the kids.
My first instinct was to say "No, no we can work this out!" I didn't want to lose our family although he wasn't sure. He didn't want to go back to the way things were.
We both knew that we needed time to think, read, and go to counseling to make the right decision.
The 3 books that helped me were:
The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands - This made me understand I could have prevented this. I actually have more control over his moods and happiness than I realized.
5 Languages of Love - This book taught me that each person needs love to be shown to them different ways. For instance, he may like to be touched; I may like to hear words. And it's important to GIVE the person what they want instead of what YOU want to give them.
Love Must Be Tough - This is designed only for the woman to read, especially in a moment of crisis like I was experiencing. It said: You may desperately want to cling on to this marriage and agree to do anything. But begging is pathetic, desperate women are not respected. You need to be strong and give a clear message or ultimatum. In other words, cheating will not be tolerated.
The most amazing thing came out of this blow up. We started speaking honestly to each other. We had nothing to lose at this point. He had wanted a third child. I had put my foot down and said, "No." He was sad about that. He felt disappointed at what life was like at 35. I thought him he needed to shape up his pissy attitude even on his bad days at work. We hashed a bunch of stuff out.
Once we realized we were going to make this work, a wash of gratitude came over both of us that it wasn't too late. We started truly falling in love again like at the beginning of our relationship, but with a deeper sense of meaning. We made time for date night. We made love more. Did I keep checking his texts and emails for a few months? Occasionally, but I stopped. I trust him more than ever now, since I know that I'm not taking him for granted anymore.
I wanted to share to let people know that a good life and marriage may be possible after cheating. We aren't just staying together for the kids. Amazing how a bad event can turn things around for the better!
Laura
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