Dear Dr. Laura,
I am a hospice nurse. A few days ago, while leaving a patient's home, I got in my car and heard you talking about end-of-life and how people know when they are dying. This is a subject I deal with so often with terminal patients and their families. I can't count the times I have been told by a patient's wife and/or children, "Don't say the word 'd-i-e' in front of my Dad", or "Please don't say you're from hospice. We just told her the Doctor sent you" or "We aren't using the "D" or "H" word." This can be exasperating since I hear it time after time. I try to keep in mind that these actions of not using, what I call "grown-up words" comes from a place of fear and denial in the heart and mind of that person. I gently try to tell them that, to date in the history of the world, no one has ever died from a word being said and that their loved one knows they are dying. I ask them to remember the last time they had a cold or flu. I then ask, "Do you remember thinking, "Oh no, I think I'm getting sick."? They always answer yes. I suggest to them, "So, if we know that we are getting sick from something as benign as a cold, we certainly know when we are dying."
What we have is everyone protecting each other from a "word". The patient is protecting their loved ones and the loved ones are protecting the patient...In reality, they are protecting their loved one and themselves. They aren't protecting their loved one from this word, but from the truth, the truth that no one wants to face. The tragic result of doing this is the truth will always win out. They can go on forever without saying the word "dying", "death" or "hospice" and the patient will die anyway. And sadly, the patient will die without anyone being able to say the things that they should, like "You've been the best mom/dad/husband/wife I could have ever asked for" or "You have made such a difference in my life" or just simply, "I love you and I'll miss you." Is this sad? Absolutely. It is devastating to lose those we love, but deathwill still come. The last thing to consider is, that not telling the truth is lying. Yes, I know, we are "protecting" them. But "protecting" is the motive for lying, not a justification. Lying is still lying and it seems to me that it is disrespectful to lie to someone whose life is coming to a close, whether it be my patient or my loved one. As a hospice nurse, I can't heal my patients' bodies, but I can try and help to ease the pain of their and their family's hearts just a tiny bit.
Thanks for listening.
Sue
