Hi Dr. Laura,
I was listening to a podcast and a woman called upset about pornography. I've heard you talk to scads of women about this subject and wanted to share my experiences with you and your listeners in this regard.
My husband and I were both married and divorced early in life, and then spent many years single - I was busy concentrating on my career, and he was busy raising his daughter.
We met 2 years ago, he is now 40 and I am 37. We married and moved in together 6 months ago. A year before we became engaged, we read several books together, one of them your "10 Stupid Things Couples Do To Mess Up Their Relationships"... I also read "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands". We are grateful to you for the many ways your books and your on air advice has helped us when situations have come up. We are glad he waited to date until his daughter was raised. Her mother did not - in fact, she has been married and divorced 4 times since and has a child with each of her 5 ex-husbands. I believe it is because of my husbands' responsible decisions in regards to raising his daughter, and spending every moment he could with her instead of dating. That is the reason I am blessed to have an excellent relationship with his adult daughter. While I realize that doesn't go along with the subject of my email, it does explain why LISTENING TO DR. LAURA'S ADVICE MAKES SENSE, AND WILL MAKE YOUR LIFE EASIER BOTH IN THE SHORT AND THE LONG RUN.
Back to the caller - she said before she discovered her husband was looking at porn they were very sexually active and that she enjoyed that sex a great deal. After she discovered it, they are still having sex a great deal but she's still jealous of the porn. Well guess what? About a month after we married and I moved in, I was talking with my husband about sex (because of our excellent communication skills developed in part from reading your books we are able to have frank, honest conversations about anything.) and he mentioned that he often watches Internet porn when I'm not here. Just as I felt my "back come up", he then went on to say he felt that watching the porn had been a big factor in our amazing sex life. He said he considered it "research". He said it gives him ideas, and more importantly the confidence to TRY those ideas.
As women, we want to believe that we are the only vision our husband sees when he thinks about sex or masturbates. The reality is that not only is that not true, putting that kind of pressure on a man when the subject of porn comes up is comparable to taking a baseball bat to his ego. All men have different ego needs, and all relationships have different communication needs but one thing is the same: if you choose to make a man feel less than a man or like he is "doing something wrong" when looking at porn - THAT is when porn will take your place. THAT is when using porn will become easier than being with you.
So hopefully my philosophy will help other women: He's doing research. Isn't that sweet? When I turn on our computer and I see porn sites in the history, I IMMEDIATELY get excited -NOT upset- at the idea of the next wonderful thing he will show me. My husband has surprised me with some of the most amazingly romantic sexual adventures. Yes I said romantic. The idea that all porn is nasty, or carnal is just that - an idea that women allow into their brains because of insecurity and jealousy.
Turn around, ladies. It's NO DIFFERENT than us seeing a mannequin in a store in a beautiful outfit and thinking "I'd really like to buy that, I think I would look great in it". And then we buy it, take it home, try it on, and revel in the pleasure in our husbands' eyes at seeing us in it. That mannequin was our female equivalent of their "research".
Don't believe me? Try "doing some research" WITH your husband. Then watch him take notes and turn those "moves" on you. You won't be disappointed.
I hope this email helps at least one woman get past her negative feelings, and realize it's NOT always about them!
Thank you, Dr. Laura for your amazing contribution to our society, our families, our relationships and our ability to "Go Do The Right Thing"
Samantha
