Dr. Laura Blog

Every relationship cannot be 100 percent balanced. Just because you’re willing to babysit your friend’s kids doesn’t mean she’s obligated to babysit yours. Maybe she shops for you when you’re sick. Not everything is exactly tit for tat.

Some of you do too much too often and then get resentful that the favor isn’t returned. Instead of vilifying or dumping the other person, maybe you need to tone down what you’re doing. If you buy 10 presents and someone buys one, then just buy one instead of bitching about how there’s a difference of nine.  

The main question you have to ask is, does this person seem caring and invested overall? Do you have a good time together?  

Sometimes you really are in an unbalanced relationship. Here are some of the signs:

• They perpetually drain and exhaust you. You dread seeing them, and when you’re with them, you wish you were elsewhere.

• You are always there for them, but they are not there for you. If the only time they initiate contact is when they want or need something from you, that’s a problem.

• They don’t show you any gratitude. You constantly give money and/or time and receive nothing in return.  

• They lay on guilt when you’re not able or willing to do something.

• They are drama kings and queens. They go from conflict to conflict and crisis to crisis, giving you every little detail about it.

• They are self-absorbed and only talk about themselves.

• They show disinterest or try to undermine your dreams and goals.

You can waste decades of your life on these people, or you can accept the reality that they won’t change. My recommendation is to slowly withdraw. Take a few days to return a text or phone call, and answer it rather neutrally. Plan fewer things. Slowly disappear and become less invested.