Parenting

Dr. Tim Jordan
DrTimJordan.com

California Bill 967 has sparked a lot of discussion recently, which is appropriate because of the complex nature of the issue of sexual assaults on collegiate women. A 1987 study reported that 54% of women had experienced some form of sexual assault in college, and a 1994 study found that 55% of the sexual assaults reported by college women involved alcohol consumption. In 97% of the alcohol-related sexual assaults, both the victim and the perpetrator had consumed alcohol. Some experts believe rapes and assaults are underreported, while others fear men are too often unfairly blamed for incidences when both parties were intoxicated. Like I said, this issue is complex and confusing, with heated opinions on all sides.

I feel that we are missing the forest for the trees here. Instead of fighting over whether or not we are victimizing women or over-blaming men, let's instead focus on the underlying problems college-aged women and men are facing. My experience in talking with and counseling 1000's of high school and college-aged women is they lack critical dating relationship skills. Most young women tell me most people don't date much in high school or college; many are just too focused on their academic achievement and futures to be bothered or held back by relationships. 

Girls knowingly go to parties with the intention to get wasted and hook up sexually with guys, most of whom they know. They tell me it's fun and meant to be just for that night, and yet they rarely if ever have sex in this way unless they are intoxicated. So despite their cavalier attitude, girls seem to still have some emotional attachment issues around sex and sexuality. That tells me despite their cavalier attitude, there are still some emotional attachments for sexuality for most girls today. 

The following are 4 skills every person should possess if they are going to embark on dating relationships.

1. Know what you want: We need to teach teens how to get quiet and check in with themselves so they know what they are feeling and what they need in any situation. I have girls write out what they want in a dating relationship, including sexually, so they can spell out clear guidelines about what's right for them when they are the most clear-headed. That way they are prepared to set boundaries in the heat of the moment when they may feel pressured and confused.


2. Trust your gut: Girls need to be aware of their internal alarms, i.e. their conscience or internal justice system that goes off to warn them when something isn't right. I ask girls to identify where in their bodies they feel this alarm, and when it sounds to pause and check in with themselves: "Why am I feeling uncomfortable or unsafe? They don't need to figure out the exact answer as much as trust their intuition things aren't right and to take action to take care of them. Their intuition is their best protection vs. potential danger.


3. Alarm busters: There are many reasons that might cause a girl to ignore her alarms with guys, including: she really likes him and is afraid she'll lose him if she doesn't comply; she doesn't want to appear lame or like a prude; she lacks the confidence and worthiness that would allow her to set good boundaries; she is drunk or high. I don't believe I would be victimizing my daughter or son if I told them that getting wasted at a frat party is putting them at risk. Women who don't have a good sense of worthiness are more vulnerable to both being a target and for having poor boundaries, but that can be remedied with some personal growth or counseling. Again, work on the causes vs. fight over blame.


4. Communication: In any relationship, people need to be sensitive to the other person's social cues, body language, and all of the subtle messages other people are communicating. Both people need to be clear and up front with their needs and boundaries, and then continually communicate how they are feeling in the relationship. I worry young people today may have lost the ability to relate at deeper levels like this because of the lack of face-to-face conversations missing in this age of technology. The days of 3 pages long handwritten love letters has been replaced by being dumped with a 40-character text. 

College students I meet these days seem to lack these critical relationship skills, so we need to do a better job of teaching these skills before we send them off into the world. Otherwise, they may find themselves in vulnerable situations they aren't prepared to handle.


Dr. Tim Jordan is a leading expert on parenting girls from 2 - 20 years of age.  He is a Developmental and Behavioral Pediatrician, international speaker, author, media and school consultant.  He has studied and worked with girls for over 25 years in his counseling practice, and at his retreats and summer camps. He often speaks about girls and their journey through adolescence, relationship aggression, friendship, cliques and bullying and the best practices for parenting girls. Dr. Tim grew up in a family of eight children. Being a brother to five younger sisters was the start of his caring and interest in helping girls and the issues they face. For more information visit DrTimJordan.com. Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com