Parenting

By Tim Jordan M.D.
DrTimJordan.com


There are several ways that I have noticed parents today are hindering the successful development of their children. Here are 5 of the most harmful.

1. My parents are setting me up to fail in college! The best predictors for success in college are having high levels of grit, hope, optimism, and self-efficacy. Too many parents rescue their kids, solve their problems, and take responsibility for their boredom, happiness, and motivation, leaving them weak and unable to handle the normal ups and downs of life.  
   
   Qualities like grit, optimism, and self-efficacy are earned, not given as gifts. You've got to be able to overcome obstacles and challenges, take risks and make mistakes, and push through tough times to earn resiliency and confidence.



2. Parents are setting their kids up to be miserable adults! The mantra kids are absorbing from parents and teachers today is this: get good grades in elementary school so you can get into a good high school; get top grades in high school so you can go to a top-tier college; go to an ivy league college so you can get a good job; get a good job so you can make a lot of money. UGHH!
   
   Research across 40 cultures has shown again and again that people who are driven by externals, i.e. making money, and gaining fame or status, end up with higher levels of mental health problems like depression or anxiety, poorer quality relationships, and are more unhappy and less fulfilled.
   
   People focused on intrinsic values like being of service, personal growth, and having strong relationships score higher on all the important markers of happiness, health, and fulfillment. We need to shift our focus so our kids shift theirs.



3. Pressures on kids to be perfect, especially academically: An all too familiar refrain heard by kids every day is: "We don't care if you get all A's, as long as you are trying your best, 24/7." Is that really reasonable? I have asked countless audiences of parents at presentations I give if THEY were 'working to their potential' in grade school, middle school, and high school.
   
   I typically get about 10-20% of them to respond in the affirmative at each level, with the vast majority saying they didn't really get invested in their education until after high school. And they came out just fine.
   
   The point I make to parents isn't to tell their kids to slough off for the first 12 years of schooling. What I want them to do is remember, and to watch the pressure they are putting on kids to be perfect in everything they do, and especially with schoolwork. There are lots of ways to get to the promised land of being a successful adult, and many kids aren't wired to take the conventional path.



4. How are parents and the culture messing up girls today? On the one hand, we are conditioning girls to focus on being competitive, driven, and ambitious; willing to step on people to get to the top; and create individual achievement. But we are still holding girls to the standard of being 'good girls'; i.e. be nice to everyone, put other people's needs before your own, don't stand out, be obedient and follow the rules, wait your turn etc.
   
   These mixed messages put a lot of stress on girls, causing a constant internal tension. So you're supposed to be perfect at everything, be at the top of your class, and on the best sports teams winning national championships, but there is also always this constant voice in the back of your head saying: "not too high, not too loud, not too to a lot of things." You can be whatever you want to be, but...you can't be yourself! It's no wonder girls feel depressed, anxious, and overwhelmed a lot.



5. Forcing teenagers to be forever reachable: When kids get their first cell phone, there is an unspoken agreement they will from that moment on be reachable 24/7.  If a parent calls or texts them and don't receive an immediate response, parents freak out and threaten to call the police to start hunting them down. Unfortunately, this is often not an exaggeration.
   
    I like to remind parents that when we were out and about in our teen years there were no cell phones, and so our parents didn't know our constant movements.  They trusted us enough to figure things out, to make good choices, take care of ourselves, and to make it home safely. And for the most part we did.
   
   Too many kids today are not learning to be self-reliant and to learn street smarts. And thus they aren't prepared to go out into the real world and be successful. Letting go is a process, and we need to include technology in this endeavor

Dr. Tim Jordan is a leading expert on parenting girls from 2 – 20 years of age.  He is the author of Sleeping Beauties, Awakened Women: Guiding Transformation of Adolescent Girls. He is also an international speaker, media expert and school consultant.  He often speaks about girls and their journey through adolescence, relationship aggression, friendship, cliques and bullying and the best practices for parenting girls. For more information visit www.drtimjordan.com.  Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com.