Dear Dr. Laura,

I was listening to your podcast and you brought up a virile posting from a married woman about how hateful and immature her husband was for keeping track of his repeated rejections for sex over a two week span. You have often spoken about how wives don't seem to realize that men judge by action, not words. A wife may say "I love you" repeatedly, but when she also declines to have sex repeatedly what does that say? How would a woman feel if she asked her boyfriend to go out with her on a date every day over two weeks, and every day she was rejected? Would she start to ask herself, "What is wrong with me?" Her girlfriends would tell her to dump the boyfriend and find someone else. How much worse for a husband to be repeatedly rejected in the primary activity that reinforces his connection and perception of worth in the eyes of his wife. I am where that man is in spades. 

My wife and I are in our 50's. Unfortunately, she is experiencing some medical problems, and has extreme arthritis in her feet that causes pain in her feet and cramping in her legs. Our sex life has dwindled over time from twice a week to once a week, once every two weeks and now maybe once every two months. I don't ask any more. The pain from being turned down every time became too great. I also came to the conclusion that if I asked every day somehow my wife started to believe we did it more often than we did. Now we have a code. On nights when I believe she is not in pain I might shut our bedroom door at our bedtime and wait in bed for her. I can't describe how I feel when she opens the door and says "You'll have to have a romantic night some other time because my feet are really hurting tonight." No romance means no sex, no cuddling, no holding of any kind because it is uncomfortable for her. She will lay down, turn off her bedside light and tell me "I love you." I don't feel that love. I feel my love has been rejected. Reasoning tells me yes love. Feelings tell me no love.

That man should run, not walk, from that marriage. I probably should run from mine, but I do know she loves me to the degree she is able. I am probable damaged goods in that I stay, but for me, the pain I would cause her by leaving would hurt me more than the pain I feel on those nights I am rejected. I can't say that it hasn't negatively impacted my love for her, and I wouldn't marry her again, if I knew then what I know now.

Rob