The #1 biggest and hardest part about being a SAHM is that darned ego. I thought it would be easy to hang it up on the door because it would be replaced by buckets of warm fuzzies and the complete inner satisfaction that I am doing a job that know one can do better than me.

Pause...just had to stop my boy from head bucking his sister.

There is a little of that, but on a scale of 1 to 10 it is usually a 2 instead of the premeditated 10. That is because I do lose my temper when that child will not take his nap (which he hasn't done since he was born) and I really wonder at times if maybe some one else could do better than me.

Pause...just had to keep sister from being smothered with a rattle.

And there is this consensus around adults that you should be able to control your children. If they don't behave, then just discipline them! How dare they bang the glass doors to the office building when coming to pick up father from work, after mother has been doing the laundry at the laundry mat while trying to keep her toddler from running into the street for the past 3 hours... And if you do discipline them, better stick with weak time outs because if the neighbor sees you spank or yell at your kid they will call the cops on you.

Pause…to look at the airplane and keep the baby from being rocked to death.

Okay, back to the ego issue. So it's a lonely afternoon. I am looking at my house which has been cleaned several times but looks like a complete disaster. And the thought comes to me...what if I was single. What if I was still pursuing my career as an amazing musician? Then I wouldn't know how horrible of a person I really am that being a mother has taught me to know about myself. I would still think I was amazing.

I can't help but hear my neighbor practicing singing. She is a professional. What I always wanted to be. And I glance at my flute which hasn't been pulled out since my 3 month old was born. I thought I could keep up my skills as a mother, but I can't when pulling out the instrument could result in it being destroyed! And then there is my other neighbor who is also a professional musician and always has amazing stories to tell about her career. Come on! How can that not pull my heart strings? I can just hear the devil angel on my shoulder, "Just look who they are...and just look at you and your dirty house."

Oh well, time to get back to cleaning, enough complaining. Because I know there are no egos in heaven. Maybe I am still amazing after all.

Pause... to play with a jump rope.

Julie