Dear Dr. Laura,

Thank you for the excellent advice you recently gave me. You helped me see that my "allowances" to my brother over the years were totally out of line, and I was blaming my sister-in-law, when the real problem was with my brother. If my dad were alive today, I believe he would have given me the same advice you gave me.

I loved my dad dearly, and when he passed away I thought the best way to honor him was to take over where he left off, taking care of my abusive mom, my brother and keeping peace no matter what the cost. He died when I was 21, so I had an immature interpretation of what he would want for me. I thought I was doing something noble, but I was just encouraging my brother to be a weaker man by making it "OK" for him not to take a stand with his wife. You pointed out a tough reality, that my "allowances" didn't do anyone any favors, and I was carrying the torch of messed up behavior to another generation.

My dad was a great father and a great man. He taught me about loyalty, but he only lived long enough to teach that lesson halfway. Loyalty and forgiveness are great qualities, but they can make you a fool if you give them away to the wrong people. I'm finally starting to get it. Your show and your books Bad Childhood-Good Life and How To Survive A Shark Attack On Land have been very helpful in making me stronger and wiser when it comes to forgiveness and picking the right people to be loyal to. It's kind of sick the way most of the world complimented me for tolerating what shouldn't have been tolerated and standing by people who belonged on the curb. After three years of hoping against hope that I'd hear from my brother and we could work things out, it took every ounce of self-discipline not to come to his rescue when he contacted me for emotional support when his wife had a stroke. Everyone else told me I should call him, and you're the only one who gave me the advice that was in my best interest. THANK YOU. I am following it. I didn't use your exact words, "pound sand" - but I got the point across.

It's hard to take a 180, but I'm tough and I know I can do it. It's been three years since I talked to my mom, my brother, and some lousy friends. I can change my behavior, but it takes a while for my heart to get the memo. I'm determined to make the second half of my life much better than the first. It's a fight, even though I know these people are bad for me, it's hard living with the void until I meet people who deserve that space in my life. I'm planting seeds, and meeting great people, and slowly things are starting to come together. As hard as it is, I know the pain of being away from the jerks has an expiration date...but the pain of having them in my life is permanent.

Thanks for helping me stay strong,

Julia