September 16, 2013
Helping Your Spouse Through a Loss

Six years ago, when we were just 38 and married 13 years, my husband and I went through a grueling three months when we had five tragedies in our family. Two of those tragedies were that each of us lost a parent - he lost his father to suicide, and I lost my mother to a stroke. Needless to say, both incidences were completely unexpected and sudden. The situation with my father-in-law was made a bit more complex by the fact that I was not a fan of his - and most people weren't. I felt like any grief I displayed was hypocritical, but I grieved for my husband's loss. He was understandably devastated. To support him, I mostly gave him the space he needed, but made sure I was available when he wanted to talk. I made all the arrangements, communicated with family members, helped with logistics, and basically took everything I could off of his plate. For men, I think it's about letting them come to you when they're ready and otherwise just trying to clear their path.

When I lost my mother, I felt guilty, like I was somehow cheating him out of his mourning period, but he never once made me feel like that was the case. He was amazingly supportive even though he was still grieving, and he did for me what I did for him - he listened when I wanted to talk, left me alone when I didn't, and took care of the daily minutiae.

I'm not sure what else either of us could have done for the other in those situations. I CAN tell you that our already solid marriage was made so much stronger and that getting each other through our respective losses gave us an indescribable bond that can never be broken. It just put our relationship on a different level. I think the key is knowing what your partner needs in that situation.  And in any situation really and being there when they need you. It’s that simple; not easy, but simple.

Michelle


Posted by Staff at 10:55 AM