April 15, 2014
Deciding Not to Flee Anymore

Hi Dr. Laura,

I remember listening to you in the car with my mom growing up but didn't really begin "listening" until I was 19. Since 1999, I've been listening to your radio program every chance I get and have been able to listen regularly since you moved to SiriusXM. I'm 34 now, and because of you I have fought to stay home with my two boys and am so grateful.

The reason for this email is you gave me the backbone to save my marriage of 14 years. I love my husband more than anything, but for the past 5 or 6 years he would periodically blow up, yell and scream at me; mostly because he felt I was not putting in enough effort to keep the house clean. I would sit there, take it, feel that I deserved it, cry and promise to try harder. Over the past year or so I began to see a pattern. A few days before a blow up, he would be uncharacteristically be short with the kids and me; then shortly after he would come home and have his "tantrum". I would cry and then the next day he would walk around with a renewed spring in his step for a month or two until the cycle repeated itself. Because of you, I had the courage to stop this cycle.

I have always had plenty of experience with the "flight" part of the "fight or flight" reflex, but the night of our last fight was the first time I experienced "fight". My husband was screaming at me over disciplining our oldest son. I came to the realization I couldn't have him in the house like this and if things didn't turn around I would have to kick him out. I did NOT want that, but I knew I had to do it. With this realization, my heartbeat slowed and I changed from an emotional wreck to a calm and objective participant. I approached him with this new attitude and with a notebook in hand, asked him to tell me exactly what he was trying to say. I wrote it down and repeated it to him.  Gradually he calmed down and realized I was not fighting him. Once he had this realization, his whole demeanor changed and I could see my husband was back. The next night I told him we had three choices and I was not willing to do the first. We could do nothing and continue this cycle; we could get help and better our marriage; or we could separate. It was this ultimatum that opened his eyes to the damage he was doing and I don't believe he would have been able to get better without it. Since then, he has seen a therapist for anger management and has become much more aware of his feelings and how they affect our family. When he feels himself getting upset we talk about it and work through it before it becomes something else. He is also a lot happier with the house because he takes a much more active role in helping me stay on task and helps out when he can. Our lives as a family have been so much happier since and I just wanted to let you know you had a BIG part in it.

Thank you so very much Dr. Laura!

Angela



Posted by Staff at 12:36 PM