Recently, a caller said her husband wanted her to join him in a swingers group to satisfy his sexual desires since she was "no longer interested in sex." You skillfully elicited some of the caller's hidden reasons for her inhibitions. But the dialog compelled me to wonder why so many women lapse into sexual disinterest and feel justified in carrying out a sexless marriage while expecting their husbands not to masturbate, cheat, or leave.

My husband and I are both 51. When we were newlyweds we had sex almost every night. And what young people don't know is that sex only gets better as you get older and improve your skills! Granted, with age and menopause we've both slowed down, and it definitely takes effort to keep up my interest in sex as my estrogen levels have dropped. But my obligation (and I use that term in a most loving and committed way) to my husband is that I save enough of myself physically and emotionally to be there for him when we go to bed. That can take some planning and forethought, but it is the greatest gift a wife can give to her husband. And although I'd never voice it to him, I'll admit that sometimes I am absolutely not in the mood when I pull those covers back. But if I simply relax and give in to him, he will quite adeptly get me into the mood...without fail.  "Too tired" is preventable, and should never be an excuse not to engage in the most intimate and loving act between a man and woman. "Don't want the kids to hear" is a cop-out.  And some of the best sex is a surprise attack on your husband when the kids are at school or a friend's house.

When our kids got older we simply told them we have sex regularly and to stay away from our bedroom if the door was closed and locked. And no matter how "gross" the kids thought it was that their parents were having sex, we emphasized that sex is something we did to help keep us all together as a family.

Yes, my husband masturbates. Yes, he looks at pornography. And why shouldn't he? I don't consider those acts of betrayal. They are simply acts of self-satisfaction and visual stimulation. I don't consider it cheating if he looks at porn because I am the ONLY woman my husband touches, confides in, laughs with, cries with, supports, and wants to grow old with. I'm kind of thankful to those beautiful ladies who can give my husband visual pleasure, which by the way...keeps his interest alive. We consider our sex life so sacred that we nurture it like a garden; something that is always growing but will die if you don't feed it.

I read The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands many years ago and have since passed the book on to others. What I have learned from the book and from listening to you for 19 years has given me such insight where men are concerned. And I wish that more women would be "girlfriends" to their husbands because I think our society would be filled with much stronger marriages. Thank you for your teaching, preaching, and nagging.

Helen