I am "Danny's" father. Danny is the married man with two sons who called you about his wife's reaction to his text and telephone interactions with an ex-girlfriend, part of a pattern of indiscretions as you called them which have occurred during six years of his seven year marriage.

You absolutely nailed it. Dan cannot not accept that he is worthy of love, at least from an adult woman. Danny is an adopted mixed racial child whose biological mother gave him up immediately post partum. My wife and I were the adoptive parents. My wife had a alcohol problem which led her to be distant and less than nurturing to both her sons. I was busy, irascible, and not generally supportive as a parent. Danny's adoptive mother died when he was 14. I remarried and his stepmother was similarly not nurturing. Little positive mirroring or support typified his childhood. It's a miracle of grace that he didn't turn out borderline; he is defensive and very self-oriented.

Danny is now 47, a firefighter and helicopter paramedic. He is apparently superb at his jobs: three years ago he was firefighter of the year based on his lifesaving endeavors with other firefighters. He is highly regarded professionally: knows he is respected and cared for and is able to accept this in the professional setting. He knows his kids love him and thus his parenting is excellent, warm, attentive and consistent: he's a far better parent than his parents were.

I am, as you, a clinician, having worked at a university for many years as clinical director of a counseling center and in the medical school training residents.

I can't thank you enough for talking with Dan and telling him what he needs to hear: listening to the transcript and knowing well his intonations; I can tell he heard you very well indeed.

Blessings to you,

R.