Hi Dr. Laura,

I obviously only can respond from my own point of view. As with most marriages, sex between us has waxed and waned. I, as the male, have almost always had to be the initiator of sex. Early in our marriage, my wife said I was sometimes too insistent, wanted sex too often, and was too blunt or blatant in seeking sex. Therefore, I adjusted my behavior to try to be more subtle, less demanding, less insistent. I even tried to rely on her to sometimes be the initiator. The result has generally been, she does not grasp my subtle and sometimes not very subtle signals and almost never initiates.

Why do I sometimes turn down sex? Because my wife either is totally insensitive to my needs or chooses to ignore them, I can eventually lose all patience and subtlety, at which she grudgingly "agrees" to "mercy sex." I do not want mercy sex. I do not want sex that is offered grudgingly. Even my wife admits or claims that our sex seldom, if ever, results in an orgasm for her. But she also claims to have little to no libido. She says she has discussed this with her doctor, but the doctor will not or does not want to treat her libido with medication.

I am an attentive husband. I try to seek opportunities for romance, but she seems oblivious. I do much of the work in our home including all cooking, all cleaning after meals, much of the laundry, and many other things. All pretty much to no avail. Further, my wife's disabled mother has lived with us for seven years, almost entirely at my expense and I do my part to take care of her.

At the age of 63 and after 43 years of marriage, I sometimes feel it's not worth all the effort, but the effort to do anything else also is too much. I feel unappreciated, overly-criticized, and too often ignored.

John